My silence is not silent.
Haunted by images,
feelings and fragrances
words and their meanings
I pretend
I am silent.

Teary eyed I look into my cup half full half gone and I have no recollection when did it happen there is no taste of tea on my tongue. I had dropped some tears in it and am looking for them. My heart is heavy. I want to lie down, curl up into a ball and vanish. I think that is how mothers feel when their sons leave them. One day they just pick up their things and following their dreams they leave. Now I know how my mother in law must have felt when I let her son go in search of a better future and when he secured it, I joined him along with our first born. But we helped her improve her life , made it comfortable for her. At that time ,that was all I thought was important. Emotional side of separation never came to mind. Now I know. I know the taste, the heartache it causes.

My tea is cold. Who added salt in it ?

Earlier when waiting for the kettle to boil for tea and I was standing against the wall, looking outside at the lake. This lake is my retreat. It has seen me happy and laughing, seen me basking in the love and attention of my children. birthdays, anniversaries and just family evenings with fun and games. And it has seen me shedding tears, talking to myself, grappling with memories I would rather not remember. not sharing my grief with anyone except this calm and reassuring water body.

I was standing and looking out. Water was still quiet in the kettle. On the far side of the lake some 20 0r 30 little duck babies were floating in a tight cluster. Suddenly one of them would break away and start gliding in the opposite direction and with a flurry of movements all of them, in a formation, would follow the one that got away. The chase ending in getting together again. On this side of the lake a lone star is pecking in the water, God knows what. He is not bothered about the group. Just pecking away, whatever it is
I heard the kettle whistle. Tea on the table., boiled eggs in their cups crisp toast and jam or cheese on the side. Butter knife, small spoon, salt and pepper shakers … robotic work
but I must hide what is going in my mind and what my body is going through.
It didn’t hurt me when I had that bad fall in their parking lot. Everybody saw my bruises – black and blue . I am more blue, more achy now but I keep reminding myself over and over again –
No tears, no emotions, put your best foot forward, show a happy face, be normal, talk normal. Depression and distress are infectious. Keep them at bay.

Just remember that you are a mother. And mothers always want their children to be happy and contented.

Birds have disappeared, ducks are not to be seen anywhere and the Sand hill cranes who love to come and knock on the windows and then retreat further down to the lake and jump in the air flapping their wings like they had just cracked some joke, flew into the setting Sun yesterday. A steel grey sky is hanging low spreading anticipating quiet every where.
There is no sound. Humans are inside their homes. Windows boarded, doors locked, watching news channels. Where is Matthew now? what country it hit and mutilated; turning it into a twisted and chopped corpse. Haiti, Bahamas and now Florida shores.
And oh yes, taking stock of valuables too. Bring in the plants, prepare a shelter, beware of tornadoes …. a doomsday scenario.
No cars on the roads. All the humdrum of life just wrapped up it’s show and left. Curfew in two counties.
In the Atlantic arena, Matthew is raging, raving mad. A mindless energy. Like a carpet snake, that just came to life – Blind but focused. Untangling it’s coils and ready to pounce and devour.
Sometimes in the early hours Matthew would have a landfall near the Florida coast.
10/06/2016
7:17 PM
WTSP’s meteorologist Bobby Deskins keeps us up-to-date on the latest Hurricane Matthew forecast as it roars towards the U.S.
No matter how close the center of Hurricane Matthew gets to the U.S., the southeastern coast can expect to feel the effects Thursday through Sunday with fierce winds, driving rain, possible power outages and drenching floods, forecasters say.
on Wednesday with 120-mph winds, is forecast to approach Florida as a stronger Category 4 hurricane with 130-mph winds Thursday. Hurricane watches and warnings are in effect for the entire east coast of Florida.
The worst conditions should be late Thursday and throughout Friday in eastern Florida and Saturday and Sunday in coastal sections of Georgia and the Carolinas.”
10/6/2016
2:28AM

Everyone looks a little lost. First it was adjusting routines, making room in tight schedules welcoming a guest who would stay with us for a month. And now when he has left after being with us for a month, eveyone looks a little lost, unsure of where to start or readjust the altered routines.
My husband and my sons went to the airport to see him off. They were a little quiet when they came back. I know we all are going to miss him.

He was my husband’s younger brother – my brother in law. One of his friends, living in Chicago wanted him to come to attend his daughter’s wedding. A visitors visa from Pakistan, tickets, confirmed seat etc. everything was done in almost no time. Bottom line is he was destined to visit this place so everything was easily done and achieved.

My children were happy that their chacha was coming, my grand daughters were excited that they would see their chhote dada for the first time. My husband was happy and getting things done to welcome his younger brother. Once he was here, both the brothers spent hours reminiscing their long lost times and I am sure they still were not done when he left after all this time. I mean here I am a quiet person by nature who loves peace and silence and avoids crowds; and there they were never getting tired of talking. It was good to see them enjoying eachother’s company but I would excuse myself when the talking would turn into hours of non stop …”remember that ….” “oh remember what happened …”

Another funny thing about them was their similar looks. They are brothers.True. But such resemblance one only witnesses in identical twins. My granddaughter asked her father the next day on her way to school .. .” baba are you sure my dada and chote dada are not twins? ”

I love and value family and family reunions even if it was just one more person joining. There was a time when we used to go to Pakistan every year to see our families. My children loved to visit their grandparent’s house because apart from being pampered by dada abba and dadi amman, there was their chacha – a hero with his wonderful motorcycle who would take them out on a spin every afternoon after coming home from his office.

I am sure every one of us is a little sad in some private corner of our hearts because he is not what we all had in our memories.

How time cheats on us!

There is an aura of sad resignation around him. Has it something to do with the loss of his wife who passed away two years ago? Yes. for sure it is. She was a simple, high school graduate woman, least bothered about the world affairs or local politics. All her interests revolved around her family. A good natured, happy go lucky type.

I remember way back when we were visiting Pakistan, my father in law saying ” dulhan, I want to talk to you. I said yes babu ji what is it? suddenly his face was red, ” talk to this stubborn, mule of a boy. There is this nice girl from a good syed family – we know the family, she comes and recites the majlis when ever we are having one. very nice, very respectful, very religious minded. She will be good for him, for the family but no, this high and mighty would not listen. Talk to him. Put some sense in his head. Okay babu ji, I will try. was my meek response. So one afternoon after lunch when the table was cleared, I told him that I have a message for him. He sat back lowering his eyes. ‘Babu ji’s message? is it? I said yes. So you know. I heard she is nice. You have seen her. She comes here all the time. Is there something you want to talk about? like some one else you like or something? There was nothing or no one. He assured me. After some more talking, suddenly he said okay, I am ready. I was silent. Didn’t know what to say. I remember saying a prayer silently; For him and his wife to be, their future togather. For myself , being responsible for helping this happen. I called out. “time for celebration!! ” Everybody came running, smiling, laughing. Babu ji just put his hand on his son’s head and went out of room, probably to thank Allah in the privacy of his room.

They were happy. They had a good life togather. And now when they had fulfilled all their obligations and responsibilities and were looking forward to being togather for hassel free, twilight years, she died. She had a heart condition that she was born with. She held on to life bravely all through this time raising a family, their education, getting them married, grandchildren and when she was sure everyone was settled and didn’t need her help any more, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

اُس ہوا دی گل سنو

جو پنچھیاں وانگوں اُڈدی اے
تے بطخاں وانگوں تر دی اے
جھیل درختاں جھاڑیاں توں
اُچیاں نیویاں پہاڑیاں چوں
لنگھ کے سب جدائیاں توں
ہور طراں کجھ لگدی اے

شکیل احمد طاہری

نظم پہلی ھی نظر میں دل کو بھا گئی تھی ۔ معصوم ، پیاری اور ہنس مکھ۔ ! ہنس مکھ پر شائید آپ ہنسیں مگر میری پسند کی درجہ بندی کچھ اسی طرح ھو تی ھے۔ میں پہلے بھی یہ بات کہہ چکی ھوں کہ میں پنجاب سے ھوں۔ میرے بابا کی دو بار ساھیوال میں پوسٹنگ ھوئی تھی اور میں وہیں پیدا ھوئی تھی ۔ ابھی شہر کا نام بدلا نہیں تھا۔ اسے منٹگمری کہتے تھا اور میری ڈاکٹر کا نام بھی الزبتھ تھا جس کی” آنکھیں بہار کے آسمان کی طرح نیلی تھیں “۔۔۔ میری بی جی کی پکی سہیلی تھی اور بی جی اکثر اس کو یاد کیا کرتی تھیں ۔

بہرحال بات کہہ یہ رہی تھی نظم مجھے بہت پیاری لگی اور چاہا اپنی دوسری کاوشوں کی طرح اس کو بھی انگریزی زبان میں لا کر دیکھوں ؛ کوئی مشکل تو ھو نی نہیں چاہیئے اور ھمیشہ کی طرح اس کو ذہن میں اتارنے اور اپنا بنانے کے لئے بار بار پڑھنا شروع کیا۔ اور پھر رک گئی۔ جو میں سمجھ رہی تھی یہ وہ نہیں ھے ۔ گہری ھے ، پرت در پرت کھو لیں تو کہیں دور اپنے اندر اپنی روح سنبھالے بیٹھی ھے۔ سارا راز ۔۔۔” لنگھ کے سب جدائیاں توں
ہور طراں کُج لگدی اے – میں پوشیدہ ملا ۔

تو جھیلیں درخت، پہاڑ ، جھاڑیاں اور پہاڑیاں سب رکاوٹیں تھیں جدائیاں تھیں اور ان سب کے پار اُ ترنا پا لینے کی معراج ! ۔ میں نے اپنا کلپ بورڈ اور قلم ایک طرف رکھ دیئے نہیں معلوم آنکھیں کب بھیگنا شروع ہوئی تھیں ۔ کچھ دیر برسات ہوئی پھر تھم گئی۔

میں نہیں جانتی میں شاعر کے ذہن تک رسائی پا سکی، ان کی سوچ اور خیالات اور میری سوچ اور خیالات میں کوئی ہم آہنگی ہے یا نہیں ۔

میں اپنی رسائی کی بات کر سکتی ہوں اور بس

نظم کا پہلا مصرعہ میرے لیئے آسان نہیں ۔ ہر دفعہ ایک نیا روپ دِکھاتا ھے

“ اُس ہوا دی گل سنو”

اس ہوا کی بات سنو جو – زرا سنو تو اس ہوا کی بات جو – میں بتاتا ہوں اس ہوا کی بات جو

اور ہر ایک کے ساتھ نظم کا مفہوم اور ہو جاتا ہے ۔ یہ میں ، میری ، پنجابی زبان کی محدود سمجھ بوجھ کی بات کر رہی ہوں جس کی جانکاری نہ ہوتے ہوئے بھی یہ نظمیں مجھ سے کچھ کہتی ہیں اور میں سنتی ہوں ۔

میری پہلی ملا قات

Follow the wind, and listen, what it is telling you about –

the one that has the wings like a bird in flight –

that meets the water gliding like a swan,

that crosses lakes, tall trees or low shrubs and does not stop

that does not even gets intimidated by mountains or hillocks coming in the way

leaving all separations behind whispers – merge

in that moment of surrender, it primes to something else!

میری دوسری ملاقات

Pay attention to the wind that is telling you something

coming to you, gliding ever so smoothly on the air, like a bird in flight

or like a swan swimming in a lake – swimming serenely, confident and free; just see –

Sometimes the lakes, tall trees or shrubs, hinder the way

but with perfect vigor, it crosses all – leaving behind – conquering all

Not even intimidated by the mountains high, or hillocks low;

blocking its onward call.

Leaving all separations behind, it whispers – merge

That moment of surrender, it primes in it’s glory – all burnished .

تیسری ملاقات

Just listen about the wind
that glides on the air,
like a bird in flight.
or like a swan,
that swims in a lake, so serene, so free.

with perfect vigor, that crosses the trees
lakes and shrubs too.
come mountains high or hillocks low
nothing deters or makes it slow

going through those shades of separation,
like a Pheonix it rises again – all burnished, all new, just see!

ایک چوتھی ملاقات بھی ہے مگر وہ ابھی ادھوری ھے اور شائید تکمیل کی منتظر ھی رہے گی ۔