this one is for you …

If winter comes

can spring be far behind?

Maybe yes, maybe no – who knows.

I am thinking. What about? I do not know yet. There is so much jumbled up, up there in the upper story and everything striving at the same time to come out, be untangled, wrinkles be smoothed out. But I cannot, or maybe I don’t want to. Sometimes a tangled state of emotions is good. Nothing is clear, nothing is staring you in the face to deal and solve. You feel safe because you don’t know. But this sham does not last long.

I remember one of my cousins sitting with all of us but not really with us. She was lost somewhere  in her own world. One of her younger sisters asked her something, and asked again when she didn’t reply. She without looking at her younger sister mumbled. “don’t disturb me. I am thinking”

Later I asked her what was she thinking about. “Nothing but I am fine now” I was a little girl at that time. To me this answer was another example of ‘ big people hiding things from small people’ ( my cousin was my maamun’s first born and almost my mother’s age)

Now I understand she was not hiding anything. That is how our thinking pattern is sometimes. We retreat somewhere – a world of images, not words and leave that world again in the same state but ourselves satiated. Actually there isn’t anything in dire needs of untangling.  Our mind likes it that way. Now I know its satisfying.

Last night I was reading a Rumi quotes.

What you seek is seeking you.”

This is not true. I am ‘seeking from the last …. and still seeking. Of-course you might say my search is not worth a fulfillment. Now who decides that?  the Beloved? Oh forgive me but this is a jaundiced reply.

But why then grief sits heavy and this invisible weight carrying gives soul a hump?

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